Re-Evaluation

What is friendship?

I woke up at 6:35 am on sunday morning(very unusual), going through my memory cinematography, past events, perceptive exchanges, continued with last night dinner etc. It takes more than routine dinner/lunch together, routine meet ups in any relation. It is not just something you want to share when you are unhappy. It is something more than that. The main substance of friendship is communication. May it be verbal, eye, physical or even non-communication. I am surprized how we communicate even with not communicating. If We are angry at or ashamed of someone we know, forget verbal communication, we avoid even an eye contact. This sends a very strong message, I am angry at you or I am ashamed of you. We have many forms of communication.

I take train ride every day for my work, 50+ mins ride each way. I see many same faces every day. They probably take the train for the same objective. We many times share same seats. We are quite close phiscally too, less than 3 feet of one's very personal space. Still I do not relate myself to them or neither do they. If you watch people in train, you can easily make out a new mother, old mother, happy person, an ambitious business professional implimenting business tactics, a worried person, a unhappy person, sick person, but we never ask them why do they feel so or what is wrong or right. We behave as indifferent. Routine meet up does not mean relation! It takes more than that, an "emotional closeness". This is a give-take and take-give process. It is a bid-offer process.

Mind it well my friend, friendship is not eternal, it is an ever changing chemistry. It has two chemical agents, acting or reacting all the times. The result can be some by-products or an explosion. We as human beings are animal of crowd, we need each other. We need each other for emotional needs. We good friends may not exchage gifts, it's the little things we do and we don't do. It is not just our support system in your worries and down time. It is there to share your happieness; in your sorrow, you want them to have ampathy, you want to get a feeling of belonging when in sickness, sometimes we just want physical presence, or we want to share our perpetual, "everyday-new day" things. This forms a main product called "emotioanl closeness", though of different levels, and nurtures both the reagents in the chemical process. This process has the inherent constituents: willingness, sensitivity and intuition. We don't analyze consciously on when to communicate, how much to comunicate. Above three in our subconscious just happens to us on how much, when or how to communicate. It is very instinctive and intuitive. You can not apply intelligence or logic (not necessarily unbiased), otherwise it no longer remains pure, it becomes an applied subject, like math. In this chemical process there is a danger of developing a very secret property called jealousy. This can lead the whole chemistry to a regression or repulsion. Human mind is very tricky. Our perceptions are very different though same physical and chemical composition of our bodies. One of the symptoms of receding relation is repeated give-no take and no take-give cycles. and statistically, the chemical process barely survives this cycle, usually it ends in an explosion.

All this comes to my mind with a sequence of incidents with a friend of mine. routine weekend diner, though uninvited; no direct effort to talk to me, kind of indifferent feeling; no reaction to my very evident not feeling well look which I never miss to reciprocate; no concern to happenings with me since a long time, all these make me re-evaluate our process. I feel sometimes I am losing patience, or it's just my imagination, but my part of mind is little sensitive on me getting indifferent. It's not just a conflict between two people, it is also a conflict within, may be of different levels based on different priorities though...

We are not perfect but at least we adjust to other person with our distinctive intelligence and emotional maturity, when this adjustment comes from only one side for long, it's just conflict that remains, and I believe one should definitely re-evaluate if it is worth investing one's time being little sensitive to yourself.