I am looking back to my 30 years of life, and shockingly I realized a very obvious still unknown fact! Whole of my 30 years, I have spent in waiting..! Waiting for something to happen in my favor, we call it hope. Hope is waiting for a thing to happen you want in future, and living with a belief that it will happen, neglecting the options available in my present. Is hope a really virtue? Hope makes you believe in future, un-acknowledging the present. I was shocked at this realization. If I were to die today, I feel, I have not lived my life, I am still waiting, waiting for future. I am ignoring my today's options to be happy in a hope to live in future.
Where to begin from? Before starting school, I was waiting for school, when in school, wait for holidays, wait for exams to get over, wait for vacation, wait for new uniforms, wait for getting elder to be able to make own decisions, wait to be independent, after school, wait for college, wait for revealing the uncertain career, while in college, wait for the degree, wait for favorable job, wait for any opportunity to go to US, wait for GRE tests, wait for admissions, wait for visa, wait for landing, wait for semesters to end, wait for job, wait for relationship, wait for relationship to get better, wait for living alone, my whole life has been waiting, all of sudden I had this realization. I have a couple of resolutions for myself:
1. Be Happy
2. Don't worry
3. have patinece, wait, be cautious
And with today's realization, I have an internal conflict about wait. Waiting has become my habit, and it has been so deceivingly active. I am in a fight rightnow about waiting. I had let go so many chances of living in this "waiting". I used to take risk, and with my resolving to be cautious, I less became adventurist, I less take risks. The part of my mind which favors being cautious, warns me of not waiting situation, and the part which favors not waiting, warns me of years slipping thru my life, And I am at a juncture, with realizing losing of 30 years in waiting, start to not to wait eventually. I have not come to any conclusion though, this fight within is not against of or in favor of me, it's not losing either way. but I feel, I need to be more adventurous now..
Where to begin from? Before starting school, I was waiting for school, when in school, wait for holidays, wait for exams to get over, wait for vacation, wait for new uniforms, wait for getting elder to be able to make own decisions, wait to be independent, after school, wait for college, wait for revealing the uncertain career, while in college, wait for the degree, wait for favorable job, wait for any opportunity to go to US, wait for GRE tests, wait for admissions, wait for visa, wait for landing, wait for semesters to end, wait for job, wait for relationship, wait for relationship to get better, wait for living alone, my whole life has been waiting, all of sudden I had this realization. I have a couple of resolutions for myself:
1. Be Happy
2. Don't worry
3. have patinece, wait, be cautious
And with today's realization, I have an internal conflict about wait. Waiting has become my habit, and it has been so deceivingly active. I am in a fight rightnow about waiting. I had let go so many chances of living in this "waiting". I used to take risk, and with my resolving to be cautious, I less became adventurist, I less take risks. The part of my mind which favors being cautious, warns me of not waiting situation, and the part which favors not waiting, warns me of years slipping thru my life, And I am at a juncture, with realizing losing of 30 years in waiting, start to not to wait eventually. I have not come to any conclusion though, this fight within is not against of or in favor of me, it's not losing either way. but I feel, I need to be more adventurous now..
6 comments:
venus, i think it's all in how you are waiting. there is nothing wrong with having goals but if you are thinking "once i get my degree than i will be happy" or something like this, than that is the problem with how you "wait" Life on the other hand doesn't wait for anyone.
Lorena and Eden:
carpe diem! because life does not wait for anyone. yep, waiting for the degree is acceptable, but waiting for degree so I will be happy is a problem. that's why, seize the day.
I remember hiting thirty and asking that question. At 32, I still ask it. One thing that worked for me was just doing something spontaneous, something I've always wanted to do, but got too sidetracked to actually do. Good luck.
thanks for leaving a comment on my blog, hope you visit again.
hey you thinking about hope too? :) yes it does begin to seem like waiting for godot sometimes, well life is now and that's what we keep forgettting or not appreciating enough...i know, i do.
Thanks Mermaid for your comment. We live life in years, not in minutes or seconds, right? :)
Thanks Gulnaz for leaving comment. That was really nice gesture.
I guess this is what they call Mid-Life Crisis.
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