I had a subitaneus realization on something very striking, about a family. What is a family? The dictionary definition of Family says:
"A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children."
I am talking about immediate family, not the extended one. One's family should transit with age. Ok, let me explain:
Let's start with newly weds. A newly wed couple starts living together, enjoys life togeter. Most commonly they will have child/children. Which would satisfy the definition of a family. It is called a family when children are younger, studying, dependent on parents. Parents usually rule in this small and very basic segment of society. Parents have unprecedented governance in this social group. the youngerones grow up, get their first hand experiences, learn things and reaches a point in time, where there is a cutoff, which plays a very significant role now. This cut off is when a child becomes independent, and most commonly will start to look out or would already have a mate. When this search is over, this child would want to settle down. Now this child, of her parents, as we can say, is in transition. Here is where metamorphosis occures for a person, she starts to belong to a new family now. Her previous family should become an extended family gradually. This is a cutoff point, and traditional valued society misses this cut off point.
In an orthodox commonwealth, a child is not expected to "start a new family" but rather have addition to the family. Usually, this addition to a family is less priored. This phenomenon is very similar to joining a new group. The new person is less important in an association than an old member. The additions to a family, result in embroilment. The old family members want to continue their unprecedented rule over their children, when their children are at the age when they can have their own family. The old family should become extended family. I don't intend to blame or accuse here any kind of social arrangement, and individual case could be different. Even in nature we observe similar pattern of behaviour. A cat would give birth kittens, and when the kittens reach at certain age, cat leaves them alone. But in human society, the parental instincts soemtimes overcasts this natural pattern. They "expect" their once obedient little darlings to be obedient little darlings forever. Fear and jealousy plays huge role here. Parental instincts can not accept the fact that their once little one now likes someone else and that someone is her first priority, and there starts all their tantrum. There are ways to make this transition smoother, and depends very much on a family as a whole's maturity. Some people can never accept transition, and I am sure, their dreams just stays dreams.
In Conclusion, I have observed that mature commonwealth provides a flourishing ground for our betterment, progress and prosperity and is ofcourse more alleviating.
P.S: An interesting article in NYTimes over another interesting behaviour of a family:
14 comments:
Interesting concept. I think parents usually want what is best for their children, though the children may hate the advice when they are older. On occasion, a parent may advise a child based on their own experience, and not realize they are restricting the child.
It will be interseting to see which way I go.
I am sure dear, you will make an excellent parent being quite sensitive, mature and understanding :)
I think, just like any advice, if an adult wants an advice, they'll listen to their parents, and when they don't, they won't.
Very interesting.
Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting.
Interesting post about Family ! So whe nare you starting your own Family ?
.:A:. - thank you for your comment. It is just something i realized in a spur of moment what I've put here.
bablu: haha! good question! let's see when I would, i'm guessing pretty soon, in nearer future :)
Thanks for sharing it. Sometimes the spur of the moment can also be very lasting.
:-)
The whole concept of family is getting more and more compact... its a shame.. big families are usually always more fun and practical..
Pallavi: ideally, I would also love a family where everyone is together, but in today's life, it is not quite possible. Traditions are changing, people want freedom, and in this search of freedom, the definition of a family gets changed. For good or bad, but this is happening. Every situation has pluses and minuses. People have also saught a
the freedom a big family gives from responsiblites is enormous. besides to look at it from choosing between old and new is to put yourself in a trap, you have to look at it as additions of intersting layers which make for a richer experience. kids owe it to their parents to look after them when they are older. its a responsibilty which should never be shirked on any account, will make for bad karma if done so. we teach our children by practice.
I totally agree, it is children's responsibility to take care of their parents, but priorities after certain age changes, when u have your family, kids, your first priority should be your spouse, and your kids.
in nuclear families, the transition point is starkly well defined. in more traditional indian families, the woman leaves her family group to join the man's family group. it is more like a reallocation of resources, along with a priority redistribution. soon, the concept of familia will have very little significance, as human values are undergoing a metamorphosis, in an attempt to adapt to this changing world.
Great post, but I think that culture and even subculture play a role in this. In the US it has been seen as a rite of passage to leave home after high school, although in most other countries it is much more socially acceptable for adult children to stay at home well into their 20s and 30s, often until marriage, and sometime even after the blessed event.
It is also more common outside the US for families to stay in close proximity to each other (although many families in US stay close as well.)
As far as advice, parents will always be parents, and it will be their natural instinct to continue parenting ie: giving advice. But as you say there is a point where children decide to make up their own minds, and sometimes this is the result of the influence of a mate.
I also enjoyed the NY Times article!
So hard--not black and white for sure. But good things to think about. I have been far from my family for long, so I miss them and want them closer.
Malingerer:
Thank you for visiting!
Agreed. I think, in any culture, women have to sacrifice more than men in a family, and also because, it is women psychology, which makes women more accomodating, adjusting. No one blames men either here, many times it is by choice than by force they change.
Neel:
Yes, that is my observation too that in US, people prioritize their intependence, and this independence is defined by less attachment with, and less interference from parents. In rest of the world, probably, families are more nuclear. But they are also geting infuenced slowly by "american" independence. We can never say which one is best, there is a trade off in each case.
The NYTimes article made me think, if I ever did that, and if my parents were in this situation. Parents like to give, and it is up to children how much to take from them. Gladly, I try not to be demading. It is a personal judgement where to stop, I think. What may be my limit may not be yours.
Pecos Blue:
Thank you for stopping by!
I am not taking any side, I was just thinking what patterns we see here. But it is true that after starting own family, priorities do change.
btw, I am also far from my family, and I am taking time off to see them in Oct! I'm waiting impatiently for Oct 7 :)
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